I wish I could … cry

The funny thing is that I badly need it and I can’t. I dream of bursting into tears and let the grief get out of my sickened body. Yet, I can’t. Tears won’t come, they’ll stop somewhere close to my throat and block everything. My brain will become numb, whereas my heart will start aching, and then, all of a sudden, I’m short of breath and I can’t breathe. So tears are vital to our survival. They are the natural resource God has endowed us with to extinguish the burning heart from pain. Why is it so difficult to simply burst into tears? Why is it so difficult to allow yourself to grieve? Why…

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I’ll write about pain. One day. Not today.

If there’s anything to write about it. I only know nobody should experience it. But then, there are people who think otherwise and then they’ll do their best to make sure you experience it. And they’ll enjoy the show and have a good laugh at your pain. Maybe they will even measure how much pain you are capable of experiencing. They’ll want it to be big enough to cover up their own complexes and insecurities. And then they will make sure you don’t forget what they did as tyrants like to tatoo their signature under your skin. So nobody sees it, nobody understands you, but you feel it. You yourself won’t understand how come you’ve ended up feeling that much pain. But then pain is not to stay. So don’t nurture it. Let your blood run through your veins, at first foolishly, and then tenderly, cradling your spirit to the the rhythm of life within your heart. Your blood has the power to erase the tatoo. Your blood is your Phoenix. Your blood is your life. Also let time do its job. Don’t rush. Healing takes time. Trust yourself, trust the running blood in your veins, trust your life. You ARE enough! You ARE a whole-hearted person who just needs time to heal. You will survive!

I’ll write about pain. One day. Not today.

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On the importance of being digitally literate

This is not the first time I touch upon this issue. Unfortunately, the reality is rather sad. The new era of swiping and liking has contributed to the development of ignorance rather than the development of any cognitive abilities. I definitely might be wrong, and I do realise that not all people are alike. Yet, have a look at your newsfeed and say what you see there.

A good part is going to be devoted to your freinds’ projection of the perfect lives they have (and I don’t think there’s anything wrong in it, somehow it helps people believe in the illusion that they are happy, and then you are happy for them, so all end up being delusionally happy 🙂 let it be), then you might have some public figures, news papers, some organisations you follow, and then your friends posting on various issues reflecting most probably how they feel about something (serious and impacting the society or even the whole world). (Keep in mind that you do just the same thing though 🙂 )

It’s when we reflect our own points of view that we get into the trap. To what extent is what I share actually reflecting my point of view? How well am I familiar with the subject matter to be able to have an opinion about it? How informed am I about it? Have I checked the source? Have I corroborated the story? Have I…?

I’m pretty sure not all of us ask thenselves so many questions before clicking on the share button. At least this is the feeling I get when I scroll down my newsfeed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect either. I also like sharing my illusions of the happy life I have 🙂 , to say nothing about the inspirational quotes I have the tendency to post on my timeline. Yet, I am very cautious when it comes to sharing news/photos/information that concern the events happening in the country/ world. I do my best to check the news and see other perspectives on it. Then I might share it. Yet, if you really want to express your point of view on something you believe you should get involved into, write a commentary which will just display what you feel about that, admitting however that you are not fully informed.

What do I see at the moment? A lot of pictures of things which are far from true. And I wonder why the people who share them on their timelines do that? When it’s obviously fake, why still share? Moreover, that info will be then shared by another one? What’s the point?

Somehow this leads to the conclusion that being exposed to so much information we’re still not digitally literate enough to be able to discriminate fake from real. But shouldn’t the question be asked otherwise: How come, having the possibility to access and research anything at no time, people would still click on the share button without being concerned that they contribute to the spread of fake news? Why? Doesn’t it only reflect their ignorance and unwillingness to develop themselves?

What I fear is that this swiping and liking society will turn into a mass easy to manipulate. Remember the big brother doesn’t want people to THINK ( use/develop their brains)… But then do people themselves want to THINK? Isn’t it easier just to mechanically swipe and like and share without putting much consideration into it?

At the end, who cares? I do care. And so shall you! Be critical readers. Don’t believe everything that is shared on social media. Check. Get informed. Question everything. Be digitally literate. Make a difference. Don’t forget that what makes us human is the brains we have. Use them! 😉

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2020 goals

To be honest, I gave up long ago making New Year resolutions. Somehow they do not work for me, or to be more exact they do not have the desired effect on me. Instead of motivating, they actually stress me out, I would even say freak me out. No wonder I give up on them quite quickly as I get the feeling that they seem to put a special emphasis on failure and not on achievement. Change is welcome but it requires time and patience, and it definitely should not be in the form of what I call a one night stand resolution. 🙂

Yet, I think one should have a clear idea what direction they are going to take in the coming year. As the past one seemed quite eventful and chaotic, I thought 2020 should be ordered so that its eventfulness does not shock me (let’s admit some events pleasantly surprise you, others do the opposite). It doesn’t mean that you won’t get unpleasantly ‘surprised’, but I think you’ll be more prepared for it. (We shall see 🙂 )

Oh my God! It turns out it’s quite difficult to explain this. So let me start differently. At the end of 2019 I put down a list of 10 goals I would like to achieve in 2020. To be honest, they are a bit scary as they made me realize I have to be organized, persistent and working-hard if I want to realize my goals – actually, my chaotic spirit rebels against it 🙂 . In order to avoid the pressure to succeed at all cost, I told myself that this is a plan I should follow. I am writing it down in order to get a clear picture what I want to achieve this year. But I should understand that things might not happen just the way I want them to. Failure is part of success, I just have to keep on working hard. I simply want by the end of 2020 to see what I will have managed to do.

By the way, the first point in my plan has already caused pain (but to be honest this is the point involving not only me). And it’s only January 2nd. What am I doing to cope with it? I tell myself that I did everything I could. As I am not the only one involved in the process, I have to understand and accept that the other party has other priorities. So one can be held fully accountable only for the actions that depend solely on themselves. Yet, one shall be responsible for letting others be part of their goals. And another thing, one should be aware that the other party might feel totally different about it. This might be painful and disappointing, but I think what is to be done in such a situation is to talk it over openly and decide on what can be done. Giving up is easy, persisting to build up something is difficult. Only if nothing can be done about it, one should let go no matter how painful that might be. I think that writing all these things down helps you clear your mind and find inner peace (let’s not forget that our mental health is extremely important for our well-being).

So making a goal list is good for our well-being. Just we have to set realistic goals. If things don’t work out as expected, change. Just we shouldn’t give up. Giving up would mean that we give up on ourselves. And there’s nothing more tragic than that.

So I felt I had to write this first post to clear my mind, on the one hand, and to make a more public commitment to myself, on the other. I will come back to this post on December 31st and…

So, what can I say? I am a dreamer. I dream big 🙂 However, I do know that dreams come true only when I work hard to realize them! You go, girl! 😉

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Feeling… not bad :)

I love small acts of kindness. And I’m definitely super excited when someone does good to me. I still think that deep down, people are not bad, just sometimes it’s rather difficult to see the good side in them. It’s hidden so well. Be good, and good things will happen to you. I just felt like sharing these thoughts today. Even more, I think something wonderful is going to happen. Never stop believing in miracles 😉 I don’t know maybe I’ve already entered the Christmas mood, but this is the way I feel. Why not have this mood all year round? 🙂

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On Honesty

Have you ever thought how ready a person is to hear the truth, and nothing but the truth? Indeed, we want honesty, but what kind of honesty do we want to hear? What if you don’t need such truth? What if you’re not ready to face the consequences of that honesty? What if you’re not ready to see the vulnerable, hidden side of the person who’s being honest with you? What to do with that burden? But above all, how to avoid showing the same vulnerability, and openness to that person?

So to be or not be honest? This is the question!

Surprisingly, people might get scared and hide when being told what would not fit into their own definition of honesty. Sometimes people aren’t simply ready to accept and admit what they don’t want to hear. So they want to hear only things they ask for, without even considering the other person’s perception of honesty.  But why not establish from the very beginning to what extent a person should be honest, and how much truth a person asks for?

It’s funny how people claim that they want the truth, but how reluctant they are to actually accept it. They freak out so much that in their numbness and stupor they leave the impression that they do not care about honesty at all.  Moreover, they might end up hurting the person who was vulnerably honest.

Who would be the loser and who would be the winner in such a case? But are there losers and winners? Quite difficult to say. If you pay attention one loses, and the other acquires, yet they both  did not want it. Honesty hopes to acquire, and not lose; whereas, it might be quite the opposite.

So, I got confused. Yet, my belief is that one should stay true to oneself, no matter what. And if honesty is the best policy for them, they should be honest and true to themselves above all. Those they confided to either will end up appreciating it or will distance themselves. And let’s look at the bright side, this person will win: in the first scenario, they will find a similarly honest person ready to show their vulnerability in return; in the second, they will know that such people cannot be trusted. 🙂


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Two months ago…

Time flies. Gleefully, sometimes mockingly, but it never stops. The only solution would be to join it in its flight so that one could enjoy life. It’s nonsense to make at least the slightest attempt to stop it. To say nothing about tricking it into changing its direction. There’s no way time will turn backwards. The flight goes upward. And here’s the charm: one could enjoy the scenery and views from the above and feel the awe in front of the breathtaking beauty that novelty is bound to bring into one’s life.

It’s scary. Everything that takes one’s breath away is scary, but worth taking the risk. I, for once, am afraid of heights. Nonetheless, I joined the flight. The only thing that keeps me from falling is avoiding looking back. I know the moment I look back I will lose my balance and I might fall into the abyss of various memories and frustrations. Yet, the promising light ahead has been far too strong to let me lose my balance. So I focus on it. I long for it. I give in to it. And this is how I’ve got my light within.

It’s a promising light, full of warmth and tenderness. I just have to be focused, and never falter to answer its call. I have to make sure other distracting dark matters, appealing in their own way, do not distract me from my path. It’s easy if you trust the light within. It’s easy if listen to the light within. It’s easy if you keep the light within.

So two months ago I made a decision. It was early in the morning when I said to myself that the self-destructive dark matter must be silenced once and for all. I cannot say that I’ve been totally successful. The temptation to look back is always on its guard. It seizes every single moment when I’m down. Yet, I’m still strong. I’m still standing. I just have to listen to my gut. It will guide to where my light is.

If on August 12th I was scared, now I’m still scared but I know that I am daring and strong enough to keep the light within alive. The fear will never probably totally disappear, and maybe it’s not so bad to experience it in small doses (recklessness is still to be avoided 🙂 ). But I know for sure it doesn’t have any power over me. There’s the light ahead and within that will keep me safe and sane 😉

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