So how often have you exclaimed in the middle of a heated argument “You just don’t understand”? Who was your addressee? Who bore the responsibility for not being able to understand what the other meant? Was it the interlocutor? Was it you? Was it the socio-cultural norms imprinted on your implicit memory? Was it your inability to express your ideas appropriately? Was it the interlocutor’s inability to decode the intended message appropriately?
Such questions seldom arise during the argument as the speakers are too much engrossed in showing how wrong the other is, and how right they are. Most probably they are not addressed in the aftermath of the argument either. It is much easier to put the blame on the other than actually getting to the root of the problem. It does not require much mental effort to decide that the other was in the wrong; whereas finding the blunt answer to the problem might be more discomforting and time-consuming than fretting over how unjust the other was.
People generally start from the assumption that the way they encode their intended message will be decoded with great ease by the interlocutor. They want the interlocutor to walk in their shoes, without even considering that the interlocutor’s shoe preferences and size could radically differ from theirs. Sometimes, they might even expect from them to be mind readers, without necessarily believing in mind reading in real life. And so, they argue.
Deborah Tannen, the famous American socio-linguist, has researched the issues men and women encounter while communicating and has arrived at interesting conclusions. It looks like it has to deal with the different conversational styles men and women appear to have. Men look for independence and would react whenever they think their power is threatened; hence, their turns in communication appear to be rather defensive, as if they participated in a contest where they have to win at all costs. Women, on the other hand, look for intimacy and would look for ways of connecting and showing support and confirmation; hence, their communication focuses on reaching a consensus. This is why men tend to be perceived as more straightforward and even dominant, whereas women appear to be more amiable, sometimes even giving the impression of taking a subordinate position.
The difference in men’s and women’s conversational styles could be traced back to their childhood, when they learned to use the language to communicate. They implicitly acquired the strategies socio-culturally attributed to characterize men and women. One does not teach a child to adopt a style that would reaffirm their dominance or one that would seek to create connections. It is the environment in which the child grows up that contributes to the development of their styles. Children grow up believing that ‘Big boys don’t cry’, and that girls are emotional.
Probably it should not come as a surprise that when boys grow up they engage in report talk seemingly showing little emotional engagement. Women, however, engage in rapport talk which underlies their desire to emotionally connect. As a result, men might appear cold and even rude, whereas women might appear needy and even insecure. What a man would offer as a solution to a problem, a woman might interpret it as lack of sympathy, merely because she was looking for confirmation of her feelings. She did not need advice, she merely needed understanding. Similarly, a woman’s turn in conversation showing support can be interpreted as a threat to a man’s independence. Such situations can escalate into big conflicts merely because men’s and women’s default systems were set in different ways in their early childhood. Consequently, they end up interpreting the messages in the wrong way.
Deborah Tannen states that “communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence” (1990, p. 28). It would probably result in success if only people became aware of the existing differences in their perceptions. If men realized that the communicated message is not an attempt at undermining their authority, and women understood that the intended message does not disregard their feelings, probably so many conflicts would be averted, and maybe relationships saved. Yet, the egocentrism of each individual seems to prevent them from reaching such an agreement.
So, misunderstandings, scandals, and grudges could be avoided if only people knew that the socio-cultural filters enacted in the process of communication form barriers preventing one to successfully realize their communicative intention. These filters are deeply rooted in people’s subconsciousness who interact being fully convinced that their intentions will be appropriately decoded. It comes as no surprise that the bitter feeling of disappointment can come over them. Even the fleeting sensation that they have finally managed to make themselves fully understood is rather an illusion. Moreover, instead of destroying the illusion, people seem to foster it. George Bernard Shaw is claimed to have said: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
The quote might sound paradoxical; yet, it is not as self-contradictory as it appears at first. People definitely communicate to achieve various aims. It doesn’t matter whether they try to persuade others to agree with them or to make them behave in a certain way, they want their communication to be successful. There is not a single person who would engage in an act of communication wanting to fail to achieve their communicative ends. However, it is how they do it that counts. A particular role is given to what kind of preconceived beliefs they involve in the encoding and decoding processes. It is essential to note that misunderstandings do not happen once the message has been uttered. It is the preconceived beliefs in the process of encoding that also contribute to communication failures.
These preconceived beliefs form the filters that tend to actually hamper the interlocutors’ success in communication. Think about the Instagram filters. Do they convey the accurate representation of a picture? If you apply, let’s say the Hudson filter to your picture, will that still be you? How close will that be to reality? We apply similar filters in our communication process. But, when the interlocutors decode the messages, they apply their own filters. Probably we should not look for easy solutions, nor should we rush to hasty conclusions when we misunderstand someone’s communicative intentions or when we are misunderstood. We should learn to detach from our egos and try to see what is being communicated to us from the sender’s perspective. It does not necessarily mean that we should agree with what we are told. What it means is that we have done our best to interpret the message as accurately as possible. We should bear in our minds that the process of communication is heavily influenced by the socially acquired filters. Probably we shouldn’t strive to make our communication filter-free, but rather filter-aware, which probably will enable us to balance the fundamental needs that we have while trying to achieve success in communication.
Falling in English with You :) 
To begin with, I would like to thank you for this post, because actually it arises a vital problem that we have encountered so often.
Communication is a complex human process that is successful most of the time. Although, It can be considered as successful process, if the mutual understanding after the conversation is achieved. It should be granted that every situation is recommended to be analyzed from all the angles, because of the reason that sometimes you can be wrong.
As we have already acquired with, that conversation certainly involves more that one person, that means that there are more that one thought, because people have different experiences, backgrounds and so one. From my perspective, understanding offen occurs when the process of exchange of ideas is activated, and because of different world views, participants hear each other, but don’t put any effort to listen to and come to an agreement. Sometimes there exactions language-related, it is traced in the ambiguity of the speaker’s utterance.I am pretty sure that there are moments in our live, when we often find ourselves saying, “That is not I meant when I said…” or “let me explain it in other words…”
Failures in communication take place in various circumstances and conditions: at home, at work, between social and ethnic classes, between religions and nations. They can lead both to small complications or troubles in our everyday life and large-scale conflicts between societal groups and cultures. Actually, the most interesting type of communication to explore is communication between men and women. In many cases, misunderstanding occur namely because of different worlds of words they are treated. To my mind, the majority of people sometimes appeal to stereotypes as the motivation of their actions. Such as “ Men are too impersonal and not emotionally apt to take on tasks “better done by women”, “ women too emotional to sort out the misunderstanding”. They are deeply rooted in people’s subconsciousness and people use them as excuses for unrealized wishes.
Trying to improve communication outcomes, a person should begin with a deep analysis of their behavior and peculiarities of self- expression, because sometimes it is easier to blame others for damaging effects rather that figure out their flaws.
Currently we are faced with many misunderstandings , the only one adequate solution is to analize, understand and adjust !
Agree. But all the participants in a communicative act should do this. As known communication isn’t a one way street. So all the participants should be open-minded, flexible, and willing, as you said, to adjust.
Thank you for another topical article that addresses one of the most important aspects of human life, communication.
Communication is about establishing contact with others and being understood. However, we usually concentrate on what we should say when speaking with people, rather than on listening more carefully to our interlocutors. Moreover, most of the time we act as if our opinion is the only one that is right and cannot just accept (or don’t want to) other people’s points of view. Consequently, such attitude toward communication leads to misunderstanding and senseless arguing and scandals. These can be avoided if we make an attempt to understand our interlocutors and try to look at a certain issue from their perspective. It does not mean that we should blindly agree with everyone we communicate with and with everything with hear. I think, successful communication is all about respecting each other’s visions.
Another important aspect of communication is the way we deliver our thoughts and what goals we want to achieve. Speaking about men-women conversation, according to Deborah Tannen, it can be considered as cross-cultural communication. Indeed, it can be easily proved by having a thorough look at our daily communication. We can easily notice that women, while communicating, tend to reach closeness and intimacy, whereas men speak and hear the language of independence, power and status, even if they know less than women do. Due to these different attitudes toward the process of communication and its primary goal, misunderstanding has become a norm, something that would not shock anyone. This can be related not only to women-men conversation, but also to parents-children, teachers-learners etc. However, I believe that the conversation between women and men is the most intriguing to research.
Very often, while arguing or just speaking to another person who we think does not understand us, we become angry, stressed, dissatisfied etc., everyone experiences different emotions in such cases (something that should be normalized). However, the real issue lies in our inability to listen to each other and respect different perspective. In addition to this, the majority of us blindly believe in stereotypes, maybe even unconsciously, but still this “belief” leads to a lot of unnecessary arguing. As communication is inseparable part of our daily life we cannot avoid unpleasant conversations as well, but if we try to get into the root of communication failure, we will learn how to avoid blame and mutual mystification.
Agree. We need to listen actively first and then speak. I was wondering, what stereotypes have you come across?
So misunderstanding born from unawarness of differences between genders, nurture and socio-cultural filters that people use to look better and achieve their goals. So we need to see situation from their perspective. Understandable.
If i got everything right and encoded the message correctly then i totally agree with you. This behaviour is totally normal for people because in their eyes they are totally right and it’s hard to believe that yours conclusion based on your experience and analysis is wrong. We can’t do anything with that and it would be wrong to forcefully fixing it while just learning about it and working around it seems like best possible solution.
The problem of communication is really an eternal one. It often happens in our daily communication that we don`t understand each other. People usually judge everyone and everything according to some stereotypes, according to their personal views. I agree with the sentences “It is much easier to put the blame on the other than actually getting to the root of the problem” and “…they might even expect from them to be mind readers, without necessarily believing in mind reading in real life”.
People tend to talk with each other thinkong others are surely going to get their idea, that the interlocutor already knows their thoughts and intentions. But, again, everyone usually thinks only about themselves, having in mind lots of other tasks they are going to do afterwards.
“We should learn to detach from our egos and try to see what is being communicated” – to me that is the most important idea.
Each conversational act should imply no indifference towards each other.
Every person at least once found himself in a situation where no facts could convince the interlocutor of his wrongness. If a person is absolutely convinced of a nything, it is almost impossible to argue with him. But gradually it is possible to awaken skepticism in him, if you do not put pressure on authority, but delve into the logic of his position.
therefore, I consider it unconstructive, completely useless and even harmful to argue in which one person points out the mistakes of another, convinces him of them, but at the same time without making a conclusion, without offering a way to solve them or not to repeat them again, in short, without mitigating such a hard fall. You can get pleasure from such psychological suppression of another, rise on this yourself, raise self-confidence and bask in the glory of your own rightness, pointing out to another the dirt in which he sits.
Fill in your de
I agree that miscommunication happens because people consider that everyone thinks and understands in the same way they do, but this is the root of the problem, because each of us has their own experiences, education, environment and perceptions according to their own selves. If everyone become aware of existing differences, the communication would probably result in success, but the problem we all fight is our selfishness, all of us want to be understood, but not everyone tries to understand others. We should brake the illusion of communication and transform it into an authentic and real process of communication through putting ourselves in other person’s shoes, so we can build strong relationships and support each other. So when we feel we are not understood, it might be the case to look back to what we are going to express through the lens of other’s opinion, but not exclaim furiously- “You just don’t understand”!
I agree with the author’s viewpoint on why miscommunication happens. Often, in the conversation, people share their problems, experiences, and etc., something that practically concerns or indirectly connected with them. It’s not always possible to get a satisfactory answer to your question during the conversation, you don’t always hear what you want to hear, and this is quite normal, because people are different, each person has his own point of view on any situation or his own filter of receptivity.
The well-known American sociolinguist Deborah Tannen came to the conclusion that misunderstandings during a conversation between a man and a woman are associated with different communication styles. Men are looking for independence, their type is defensive. Women are looking for intimacy, support and understanding. The difference in speaking styles between men and women can be traced back to childhood, when they learned to use language to communicate. Children grow up believing that ” boys don’t cry” and “girls are emotional”. In the course of a conversation, women do not need advice, they need understanding. Similarly, if a woman in a conversation shows support, this can be interpreted as a threat to the man’s independence. Such situations can escalate into big conflicts simply because the communication filter of men and women was set up differently in early childhood. That is why, they end up interpreting the messages in the wrong way.
We need to learn not to accept filters in our communication. We should not make conclusions when we do not understand correctly, or we have been misunderstood. We must learn to move away from ourselves in the course of a conversation, not to think about what needs to be answered now, or about how this conversation relates to you, we must directly listen to what the interlocutor says to us. This does not necessarily mean that we have to agree with what they are told. This means that we have done our best to interpret the message as accurately as possible.
I want to start by saying that I really liked this post and I found it rather useful in anyway.After reading this block, I came to the following conclusions.Communication is a rather complex system, it is a connection between people, as a result of which there is an influence on another person, it is in communication that the need for another person is realized.The most discussed topic is the topic of communication between a man and a woman.In the course of the fact that each gender pursues its own goals in communication, very often serious misunderstandings, grudges and quarrels arise between people, which can subsequently seriously harm the human relationship.Men and women judge everyone and everything in accordance with some stereotypes, in accordance with their personal views, without taking into account the point of view of their interlocutor, but he may have a completely different opinion, we are all different personalities and this must be taken into account.It is very important to understand the essence of this problem and find compromises in the process of communication, otherwise the situation may worsen.
The men base their communication on finding a solution to a problem, on independence and dominance while women, on the contrary, base their communication on interacting with people. on intimacy .I want to recommend this post to you for reading, because here Deborah Tannen described in great detail the whole essence of the problem and gave certain tips on solving this particular issue
The blog reflects my own vision, my own perception of the reality. There are so many cases when I try to say something but I am not understood. So, I think that the key to the problem is the difference between conversational styles men and women have. Men want to be independent and powerful, while women look for intimacy. It is very good stipulated in the article the problem comes from childhood when Boys don’t cry- they are strong , girls are weak and helpless.
Communication is an act of sending codified messages. People, while speaking thinka that the interlocutor will be able to decode the message. And, while decoding people use to have own filtres that leads to misunderstanding . I agree with the blog post, communication is a difficult and long process and depends on many factors.
I agree that in a conversation, the interlocutors quite often can not understand each other. In my opinion, often such misunderstandings occur due to the fact that everyone judges according to their own opinion, worldview, and so on. A person can also very simply act and shift the blame to others without understanding the very essence of the problem. Quite often, situations occur in communication when the interlocutor does not want to accept a different opinion, as he is sure that only his arguments and beliefs are true. Usually, after such a confrontation, people stop communicating altogether, because no one wants to compromise. But what if a compromise is not needed? Of course, this does not mean giving in to the opinion of the interlocutor, but trying to understand his arguments and refute them, open his eyes to the fact that everyone has their own personal opinion, which also has a place to be. Such confrontations in communication should not be closed with the words “I stay with my opinion, and you with yours. Don’t even try to convince.” In this case, this is not a way out or a solution to the problem, but simply an escape from the problem.
Therefore, even if you are at an impasse with your interlocutor, you do not need to run away using comfortable words and sentences, but to understand the situation to the end and find a common solution.
Communication is a very important, necessary and integral part of our life. Each person needs communication, each of us wants to hear and be heard. I agree with the author’s opinion, because indeed very often when communicating people do not understand and do not hear each other, maybe this is due to the fact that people are more focused on what they want to say than on to be an attentive listener and interlocutor. Sometimes misunderstanding occurs because we want to hear only the answer that suits us, but the answer comes differently, because each of us has different ideas, thoughts, opinions. No one can think alone. Therefore, this attitude to communication leads to misunderstanding, disputes and disagreements. I believe that they can be avoided, for this we need to try to understand our interlocutors, hear their opinion and try to look at their point of view from a different angle. I think successful communication is about respecting and accepting each other’s opinions. I agree, also with the author’s idea, that the environment also affects our worldview and the development of both boys and girls, because children grow up the way they are brought up by society.
I agree with Deborah Tannen that communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. In our everyday communication, it is easy to notice that women in communication seek closeness and intimacy, while men talk and hear the language of independence, power and status, even if they know less than women.
In my opinion, communication can be successful and mutual understandable if each of us tries to listen to each other and respect different points of view.tion So, we should bear in mind that if we want our communication to be successful we should learn to detach from our egos and try see what is being communicated to us from the sender’s perspective. This is very important to take into consideration while communicating to achieve good aims.
The author suggests that instead of blaming others for not understanding us, we should take responsibility for our own communication and try to be clearer in expressing our thoughts and feelings. She also encourages readers to have empathy for others who may not understand them, as everyone has their own perspective and experiences.
Deborah Tannen’s statement that “communication is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence” is a powerful and insightful observation. On the one hand, we all have a fundamental need for intimacy in our relationships. We want to feel connected to others, to be seen and heard, and to feel understood. On the other hand, we also have a need for independence – to be our own person, to make our own choices and to have our own boundaries. Communication is the tool we use to navigate these two seemingly opposing needs. Effective communication requires a delicate balance between sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others while also respecting their boundaries and independence. The challenge in communication comes when one person’s need for intimacy conflicts with the other person’s need for independence. For example, when one person wants to talk about a problem or issue, but the other person feels overwhelmed or needs space. Tannen’s statement reminds us that successful communication requires us to continually adapt and adjust to find that balance between intimacy and independence. This is a skill that requires practice, patience, and a willingness to listen to and understand the needs of others.
The author makes a compelling argument that when we feel misunderstood, it is often due to our own inability to communicate effectively or unrealistic expectations we have of others. She urges readers to take responsibility for their own communication and to be clear and direct when expressing their thoughts and feelings. Condrat also emphasizes the importance of empathy in understanding and relating to others. She reminds readers that everyone has their own perspective and experiences, and that we should strive to see things from the other person’s point of view in order to truly connect and communicate effectively. What I appreciate about this post is how the author takes a nuanced approach to the idea of being misunderstood. She acknowledges that it is a common experience, but challenges readers to examine their own role in the communication breakdown and to take steps to improve their communication skills. Overall, I found “The Illusion of Being Misunderstood” to be a valuable read that offers practical advice and insights for improving communication and fostering deeper connections with others.
The blog resembles the problems that all people struggle every day. The problem being the fact that we sometimes have the feeling of being misunderstood, when attaching certain subjects into a conversation and trying to expose our own opinion and ideas towards them. It all happens of people don’t communicate enough, or just don’t communicate everything they want their interlocutor to hear. We are not really able to read through lines, to “guess” what a person really meant.
Thus, I agree with American sociolinguist Deborah Tannen’s statement that showing the position of superiority, through gender position, and somehow “hiding” the real message a person wants to share with someone leads to a negative result of the conversation, as no one is satisfied with the answer to the reaction they got from the conversation.
A solution found in the given article that I find quite relevant and worth doing is to avoid those communication filters which were imposed on us even from childhood. We should learn to use communication for solving problem, not to show our own ego and superiority, in order to make ourselves understood.
I totally agree with the author’s point of view as misscomunication happens when people avoid accepting differences. We should be aware of men’s and women’s conversational styles,because of not knowing these differences it may escalate into big conflicts. Also one more thing that causes misunderstanding are the social filters. The way men and women were raised and how the environment contribute to their styles. In order to have a successful communication we should try to see what is being communicated from the sender’s perspective . To sum up ,I can say that we should bear in mind that communication is not an easy process and it may be influcenced by
different factors . That is why we have to be aware by these differences in order to achieve our aims and have a succsessful communication.