Death Penalty

And it was raining…

The heavenly drops knocking gently on the windowpane echoed the hellish pain from my chest. I could hardly breathe. My limbs were numb, so was my tongue. No speech! No motion! Just the clumsy raindrops crashing on the windowpane! Their life is soothingly short. It ends up in a spectacular splash, but unlike us, my dear, they will be reborn to crash and resurrect again. I think they were sorry to witness the decay of flesh that day.

So, there we were: two spectral guests in a hotel room and nothing more. Oh, no, there was something: the funeral of our love!

(How I wished my eyes were full of tears!)

When one beautiful day one feels one has fallen out of love, the most intolerable thing to endure is the funeral of love. Could it have been anything more pathetic than that deathly, tomblike silence reigning in that stuffy hotel room when you sentenced our love to death? I wonder whether you felt the searing pain growing in my chest. It was not your futile excuse that made me suffer, but your insistence that you had once loved me. Oh, couldn’t you just see that no persuasion would ever help me get rid of the realization that our love had been stillborn. You blamed the hazards of life for committing a grisly murder. Poor hazards of life! Why should they always be responsible for our abnormal desire of killing feelings? The destiny’s whim – a made-up delusion to haunt us throughout life and excuse our failures so that we persist in being frustrated geniuses!

I remember you sitting on the bed that still echoed our oaths of eternal love and your hideous smile which disfigured your once appealing face. Had you schemed all this to happen or was it another improvisation of yours? I desperately wanted to wipe out that cruel sympathy from your face. I think you liked the way you looked on our love’s deathbed. You were so immersed in contemplating yourself that you did not see what I saw: the corroded image of a contented, egocentric creature driven by vanity into the mortality of the human existence. Again and again, I was seized by the acute pain of an agonizing mortal who blames himself for having ever harboured dreams, faith, love…

You said the extinction of our love was inevitable. So you had been lurking in the shadows expecting the perfect moment to stab me in my chest. I’d like to know who of us two was not apt enough to love. I am aware of the fact that I was as guilty as you were: I believed in you. Looking at our love’s carcass, my first consideration was to kill you. Who would have the right to stop me from what you had done to our love. I could not get rid of the idea that you should perish together with our love. I really had a mind to do so. It would have been a blessing for the earth to get eradicated of such a parasite. But then I realized that nothing would make this terrible feeling of loss banish. I was orphaned again. I did not kill you because I knew: there is no way out as long as love can be sentenced to death by mortals, my love.

I don’t know whether my face betrayed my thoughts or you finally realized what you had done, but at that moment you looked scared to death. I saw you shuffle, I saw you squirm, I saw you slouch. You were so naïve as to think that your surreptitious glances at the mined clock escaped my vigilance.  Was the other one already waiting for you somewhere in the rain?

I felt queasy! I have to admit your lying prowess was the best I’d ever seen. There was nothing left for me but greet my teeth. All of a sudden, it dawned on me! From the very beginning I had been the underdog. This was a race I was doomed to lose.

Then I smiled. You stood there gawping at me as if there was not such a scene in your script to see me smile. Actually, do you know what crossed my mind at that very moment: ‘Funny, our love has been killed but we escaped unscathed.’ That, hun, made you lose your temper. So you decided to trample on my bleeding heart. Definitely you wanted it maimed.

I saw you speak, I saw you cry, I saw you shout. But I didn’t hear. You seemed to be squabbling over trifles. I pitied you, my pitiless assassin. Your performance was deplorable. Snuffling our love out turned out to be a cheap performance of a drunken actress who forgot her soliloquy.

Just go, go away, run, disappear! Spare me suffering from the insidious effects of love! How does it come that I hate to love you.

And it was raining…

(How I wished my eyes were full of tears!)

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